I cashed in one of my allotted emotional “breakdowns” in October. That’s why you haven’t heard much from me lately.

I’m sharing this because moving to Alaska has been a great adventure with lots of Instagrammable highs and adventures, but at the end of the day moving is hard. Starting a new job is hard. Being a first time homeowner is hard. Doing all of them at once is hard, and is not always a walk in the park (with a glacier in the background).

My “contract”

I find that it’s counterproductive to establish unrealistic expectations for yourself in the midst of a big change like moving to a new hometown. My message to anyone doing it is:

You have plenty to worry about without worrying why you don’t instantly have a million friends and feel super comfortable and settled. Cut yourself some slack.

I basically draft a contract with myself each time I move (not an actual contract on paper… yet). This contract has evolved with each move, to the point that it’s getting pretty good at capturing what I can expect from myself. The latest contract includes a contingency budget for at least 2 emotional “breakdowns” within 6 months of moving. This budget is empirically based, and unconditional. No crisis is too big or small. Can’t find humidifier filters at Target after a long day of moving and driving in rush hour traffic? Totally acceptable to use a “breakdown” and tear up in the middle of Target. Except, of course, there is no Target in Juneau.

Similarly, I generally establish some milestones for myself. Roughly I estimate that it takes a year to feel established, stable, and at home. Ups and downs are to be expected, with potential for more downs than ups, but the overall trend should be positive. This leaves me some room to try all kinds of new things in the first year and have them fail miserably. It doesn’t make failure any more fun, but it helps me to accept it more readily. It’s been 7 months since I moved out of Denver, and 6 months since I moved to Juneau and started my new job. It’s still relatively early, and I’m right on track with experimenting and failing.

Blind-sided

So, the “breakdown”. Basically I was blind-sided by a huge project at work, and I took it personally. It felt like I was already overwhelmed, and then someone said “you’re not doing enough”. It took me out of my tenuous (see: I just moved here) comfort zone, for sure. On top of this, my parents were coming to visit soon, and I was panicked that I would not be able to take the much needed time off to spend with them.

I was physically upset (constant stomach dropping feeling) for multiple days in a row, confidence shaken, and could not relax. In these moments, my old friend Regret appeared to voice the following concerns:

• Why did you leave your cozy life in Denver, working from home and playing with puppies?
• You’re stuck here in Alaska and you can’t get out of this situation. Get out.
• How are you going to endure this intense level of anxiety without collapsing into a pile on the floor?
• You’re supposed to be able to leave work at work. Not cool.
• You just want to go to art class.
• You did not sign up for this.
• You’re going to screw this up.
• This isn’t worth it.
• Abort.
• You’re stuck here.
• Abort.
• You’re stuck here.
• Find a warm, quiet, dark closet to sit in (maybe follow a bear to a nice den).

I could not focus on anything outside of work. Emotions were running high with everyone involved at all levels. People cried, yelled at me, threatened me, regrouped, rallied, got upset again, laughed, recovered, doubted, second-guessed… several times over the course of a few weeks.

I enjoyed my parents’ visit, but only in between panicking about work, and actually leaving to go do more work. I still feel bad about not being present with them, and a little robbed of the opportunity to enjoy the time off more.

Over the next few weeks I gradually rallied, worked really hard, and I’m finally back operating at about 75%. I’m proud of the amount of work I’ve accomplished, but not signing up to do it again anytime soon. I’ve also learned a lot about how my new coworkers operate under fire, which is unfortunate to have to learn so early, but very informative.

Conclusions

• I’m glad I budgeted for this. It allows me to step away from it a little bit and absolve some self-blame. After all, I sorta knew this was coming when I decided to take on so many changes at once.

• Doubts are still there, ready to jump out in times of stress. I still have some conflicts between work and extracurricular values to resolve.

• I’m tired. Having time off for the holidays was helpful, and recharging with friends and family was key.

• I’m here, making it work, refilling my fuel tank with house projects, art class, and staring at trees and glaciers and lakes.

And finally…

I survived the first 6 months!

Onward to a happy new year!